DREAMLAND – The Forest

I woke up surrounded by beautiful green trees, the sun warm on my face. I looked around, taking in the exotic scenery. The air was filled with the sweet smell of flowers and the soothing melody of birds. I wandered down the only path, curious where it was to lead. 

I began to notice doors on the trees. I opened one up and saw my mother! Oh how I’ve missed her! She was crying, holding a small baby. I recognized the wooden rocking chair, the balloons on the wall were familiar. She was singing as the baby nursed. Then I realized, that baby is me! Mom isn’t crying sad tears, they are happy tears! “Mom! Look! I grew up!” But my mother had no reaction to my voice. She simply stared at Infant Me and kept singing. Confused, I shut the door and continued my journey. 

Was I hallucinating? Where was I? 

Another door appeared. Inside was my mother in the kitchen baking. i knew immediately it was our old house in Bonham. On the table sat a beautiful castle made of Hershey’s and marshmallows. Mother was singing again as she put on the final touches. “I can’t believe my baby is 5!” she told Auntie. 

There must have been 20 doors I opened. Each door holding a different memory. I watched myself age, my mother always by my side. I could smell her – an intoxicating blend of powder, cigarettes, perfume, and Mom, with a hint of garlic. I could feel the warmth of her hugs, she was so soft and inviting. 

I saw the fear in her eyes when I was in danger. They said it was a school shooting, I wouldn’t classify it as such. 

I saw the joy as I walked across the stage to receive my diploma with honors. 

I saw the relief in her eyes when I talked about my Timothy, someone to take care of me like she always had. 

The worst was her disappointment in my choices, she had such faith in me. To her, I hung the moon and the stars. 

The unconditional overwhelming love was present in every door no matter what. 

The last door I opened Mom was in her bed. I was changing her catheter bag. I looked up at her as she cried softly, “I don’t want this to be your last memory of me.” “Oh Momma, don’t be silly, I won’t even remember this!” I reassured her as I kissed her forehead and tucked her back in. 

I finally reached the edge of the path where she stood, Mommie. I began to run towards her, finally, I could embrace her and drink her in! I ran for what seemed like an eternity, but somehow I wasn’t getting any closer. She was holding her arms out, ready for me – “stay there Mom! I’m coming!” “You’ll never make it!”, she yelled. The trees began to twist, forming a barrier between us as I closed in. My heart was beating out of my chest, my breath was harder and harder to come by. My legs were shaking, but I had to make it! 

I felt the tip of her fingers as the cruel forest sealed her off from me. “Please don’t leave me Mommie!” Exhausted, I fell to the ground, the tears were uncontrollable. She was right there! Wasn’t she? 

I felt the familiar emptiness as I curled up on the forest floor. I knew sleep would take over soon.